The Dumpster Fire Dates

So far on this blog, I’ve only mentioned the dates that went awry. One reader, who is also a writer, has told me that my dating years are not quite the literary gold mine I’d been thinking they were. He’s become bored. Others have commented that sometimes these tales make me sound — shall we say — a little uppity.

One more. Just one more, I promise, and then I’ll get on with the rest of the story.

The truth is many dates were magical. I had relationships. With good men. But no one I wanted to live with or marry. There was no second husband at all — ever — waiting in the wings.

But I still think I’m a laugh riot when I get on a roll about the dating years, so indulge me just once more. Here they are, in abbreviated form.

Sam, who, halfway through dinner, started calling me Wendy. I had a panicky moment. I was a pro by now, and I’d entered the restaurant, looked at the man waiting who looked expectant, said, “Sam?” and he said “Yes, hi!” and we began our date, as I’m sure we’d done many times according to the rules of the midlife online dating ritual. The second time he called me Wendy,  I was thinking there might be two Sams at this restaurant and this was the wrong one. But my anxiety was premature. He came back to calling me Linda right before his phone rang. And he took the call. On speaker. For a good ten minutes. From a woman who called him Sammy Baby.

Pete, who never took a breath. He would look like he was going to take a breath and give me a hint that maybe I should speak. But then he’d tap himself on the side of his head and say, “Let’s see. Let’s see, let’s see, what else can I tell you about myself?”

Charles and Tom, who spent most of our dates spewing venom about their ex-wives and letting me know all about their screaming fights and standing their ground in front of cars in driveways and protective orders. These men needed a dating coach. I actually excused myself to the ladies room during one of them, hightailed it to the parking lot and left before he could get my license plate number.  He seemed like the type of person who wrote down license plate numbers.

Larry, who got to the restaurant ahead of me on our first date, and had the hostess place a bouquet of flowers on our table. A large, expensive, Queen of England bouquet of flowers. He had great hopes for it going well apparently. He led off with a story about how his sister died of kidney disease because his father had refused to be a donor. (Now that’s a story that makes you hope you’re invited to Sunday dinner soon.) As we parted ways after dessert he asked, “How about going out this weekend?” When I said I didn’t think so, he looked at the flowers and said, “Shit, what a waste of $75.” I wished he’d taken them back because for two days I looked at them and all I could think about was his sister.

Henry, who emailed me after our dinner. It began, “I hope you won’t be offended by this,” at which point you know you’re about to be offended. “I don’t see it in the cards for us. I’m still thinking I can get a woman who will look bangin’ in a thong.”

There was John, who still lived with his mother, and slept in the bedroom where he achieved puberty.

Then there was George, who still lived with his wife.

And Ian, who apologized for leaving his wallet at home. Twice.

And when I list all those dates in one place like this, I think maybe I’m descended from Pilgrims even though my name is not Alden or Standish. I think I must have come from people who spent months sodden, starving, and all full of Scurvy, wending their way across the ocean on a leaky wooden boat. Between lung-crushing coughs, they said things like, “Hoist the sails! Give thanks!” Tomorrow will be better!”

I sat down at every date, thinking the man across from me might be The One. Or as my ancestors probably said, “I’m sure we’ll see land any day now!”

7 thoughts on “The Dumpster Fire Dates

  1. I’ve only recently come to know your blog, but I’ve loved it! Carry on with your “uppity” dating stories. I wish I had the knack for humor you do. In these short years (3) since I split with my husband, I’ve had a small collection of interesting dates and encounters. I tend to get deep in my reflection, rather than lighthearted though. I’ve learned quite a lot dating the second time around, without all the pressure of being a young hopeful looking desperately for the right mating partner. Less pressure, more learning. You are inspiring me to share some of my dating dirt… 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Oh my dear, thank you for sharing once again. You bring a smile and I applaud you for that. It takes a knack to tell a good story. “Most” people appreciate your stories, humour in life and you. Happy Holidays.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Men don’t want to hear about bad dates because they were likely the reason for a bad date at some point. More women read memoirs/books than men. As an online dating veteran, bad dates are an epidemi and should be exposed! You aren’t uppity. Keep on writing!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I relate!

    I too feel that I am one of the chosen few to experience the wide variety of dating fails, lest people think that Hollywood depictions of dating are exaggerated. Nope. NO exaggeration. All true.

    Like

  5. What! I completely agree with Brenda. You only even told a couple of stories, in fact I had hoped for more! Keep writing what you want and don’t let the naysayers get you down. Or the Henrys. Wow.

    Liked by 1 person

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